VISITING THE CLIENTS
by Phil Simborg

In my travels I have visited many corporate headquarters. I have noticed some interesting characteristics about many.

• Samsonite's headquarters is on wheels.
• Everyone at Nutra Sweet seemed so artificial.
• There's a strange blue light over the K-Mart building.
• Sony's building is in a remote location.
• Seagram's building is on 5th Avenue.
• The NRA building is all lobby.
• Campbell Soup's offices are highly condensed.
• When I visited Delta, they lost my briefcase.
• Kelly Services was in temporary space.
• Only the outside of Revlon's building was attractive.
• Microsoft's building has no windows.
• DeBeer's has plenty of windows, but they were all scratched up.
• All the windows at Windex were clean, but you could smell the vinegar.
• Xerox occupies identical twin towers.
• Cannon looked like Xerox, only cheaper.
• United Airline's lobby was full of Hare Chrishna's.
• Dunkin Donut's headquarters was full of cops.
• Intel's building is inside IBM.
• I wasn't fonda Ted Turner's building.
• At Casio I met the boss.
• The Rolex building was a cheap imitation.
• Otis Elevator is in a one-story building.
• At Dow Jones you never know if the elevators are going to go up or down.
• At Merrill Lynch the employees stand around and bet if they are going to go up or down.
• At Pepto Bismol they only go down. And stay down.
• Everyone at Intel had chips on their shoulders.
• AT&T is always busy.
• Baskin Robbins has 31 floors. All the nuts are on top.
• Standard & Poors is highly over rated.
• The layout at Hallmark has no rhyme or reason.
• MacDonald's headquarters is no great shakes.
• Arthur Andersen's has no accounting for taste.
• Kentucky Fried Chicken's H.Q. has two wings.
• American Express had to try several buildings before somebody would take them.
• 3 M's building is tacky.
• National Enquirer has many stores, but most of them are false.
• The Clorex building has faded.
• Descriptions of Goodyear's building are highly inflated.
• The people next door told me "State Farm is there, but they're not a good neighbor."
• Pillsbury is in a high rise. It cost a lot of dough.
• Nike's building has no arches.
• Floresheim's building has no soul.
• There were no kids allowed in the Planned Parenthood building.
• Snap On's building is on the beltway.
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee's building.
• There's this crazy dog in front of the Coppertone building that keeps fulling everyone's pants down.

MY FAVORITE COUNTRY WESTERN SONG TITLES
Compiled by Phil Simborg

• Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth 'Cause I'm a Kissing You Good-bye
• I'm the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
• If You See Me Gettin' Smaller, It's 'Cause I'm Leavin' You
• I Got in at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2
• There's a hole in my mattress so I'll meet you in the Spring
• Mama Get the Hammer (There's a Fly on Daddy's Head)
• She Made Toothpicks Out of the Timber of My Heart
• You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
• My Kid's as Cute as He Can Be But He Sure Don't Look Like Me
• If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find on You?
• It Ain't Love, But It Ain't Bad
• I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
• I've Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart
• Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
• The Last Word in Lonesome Is "Me"
• Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life
• I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
• You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log
• Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know
• I've Been a Liar All My Life?
• If I Don't Love You, Grits Ain't Groceries
• There Ain't No Queen in My King-Sized Bed
• He's Been Drunk Since His Wife's Gone Punk
• We Used to Kiss Each Other on the Lips But It's All Over Now
• Leaving You is Easier Than Wishin' You Were Gone
• My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Miss Him
• Remember the Alamo-ny
• Ever Since We Said I Do There's So Many Things You Don't
• Get your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
• Her Teeth were Stained but Her Heart Was Pure
• If I Say I Love You Consider Me Drunk
• How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
• Thank God and Grayhound She's Gone
• I Fell In A Pile Of You, And Got Love All Over Me
• If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
• Her Teeth Were Stained, but Her Heart Was Pure
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
• If my Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All on You
• You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
• I'll Get Over You, as Soon as You Get Out From Under Him
• Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
• Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
by Phil Simborg

• Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
• Say to the person next to you, "If you don't stop following me I'm going to call the police."
• Shave.
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
• Say to the person standing next to you, "I know what you're thinking."
• Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall.
• Ask, "Can anyone here pinch an inch?"
• Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
• Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
• Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
• Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
• Ask everyone if they know each other.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
• Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Tell everyone you're sorry, but you don't give autographs.
• Ask the person next to you, "Do you want to hear something really gross?"
• Say to the person next to you, "Aren't you the one who was on Opra for spitting on a cop?"
• Carry a sign that says, "Please don't stare at me."
• Get on the elevator, then turn around and get off quickly and say, "This is the most dangerous looking elevator I've ever seen."