Humor - Quotes

MY FAVORITE QUOTES
Collected by Phil Simborg

BUSINESS/MANAGEMENT

Everybody wants to build but nobody wants to maintain. [Vonnegurt]

A committee of three can accomplish much if two don't show up.

Never schedule a board meeting on Wednesday because it kills two weekends.

The person who writes the bank's commercials is not the person who makes the loans.

The way to make money is to buy when blood is running in the streets. [John D. Rockefeller]

The customer is not always right, but he's entitled to think he is. [Phil Simborg]

Money makes money and the money money makes makes money.

You don't need a $1000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.

Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from. [Dilbert]

Consultants are people who borrow your watch to tell you what time it is, then walk off with the watch. [Robert Townsend]

We know there is a problem with communication but we are not going to discuss it in front of the entire staff.

Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

If someone says you're not strategic, try to figure out what that means and then tell him or her to go to hell. [Richard Moran]

We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Rise early, work late, strike oil. [J.Paul Getty]

The customer's perception is reality. [Byrd Bagett]

Economists are pessimists: they've predicted 8 of the last 3 depressions. [Dr. Barry Asmus]

The greatest risk is thinking too small.

Let the business shape the organization, not the organization shape the business. [Richard Moran]

The factory of the future will be run by a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to make sure the man doesn't touch the machines. [Dr. Barry Asmus]

WORK:

Life is only in balance if you play as hard as you work. [Phil Simborg]

For every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward. [Anthony Robbins]

Everyone lives by selling something. [Robert Lewis Stevenson]

Don't ever confuse motion with progress.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. [Joan Rivers]

"I could have done it in a much more complicated way," said the Red Queen, immensely proud. [Lewis Carroll]

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.

Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life. [Confucius]

LEADERSHIP:

If you say something stupid and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss. [Phil Simborg]

Just because you call the shots doesn't mean you're at the right end of the barrel. [Phil Simborg]

People don't change because they see the light. They change because they feel the heat.

An army of lambs led by a lion would be better than an army of lions led by a lamb.

There go my people. I must find out where they are going so I can lead them.

Anyone who thinks he or she is indispensable should stick his finger into a bowl of water and notice the hole it leaves when it's pulled out.

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.

A good executive is a person who will share the credit with the person who did all the work.

The man who knows "how" will always have a job. The man who knows "why" will always be his boss.

The biggest guns in the company are the ones that haven't been fired.

It is dangerous to be right when the boss is wrong. [Phil Simborg]

So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work. [Peter Drucker]

Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir man's blood. [Daniel Burnham]

Some questions cannot be answered, but they can be decided. [Harry S. Truman]

Any manager that can't get along with a .400 hitter is crazy. [Joe McCarthy]

All progress has resulted from people who took unpopular positions. [Adlai Stevenson]

If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there. [Lewis Carroll]

You can't be that good; you work for me.

When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you'll be fired with enthusiasm. [Vince Lombardi]

A man is known by the company he owns.

A man's intelligence does not increase as he acquires power. What does increase is the difficulty of telling him so. [D. Sutton]

On a dog sled team, unless you're the lead dog the view never changes.

The fellow who never makes a mistake takes his orders from one who does.

A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you can see of its behind. [Joe Stilwell]

If you live in a country run by a committee, be on the committee.

Always believe your superiors, if you have any. [Mark Twain]

Enthusiasm is caught, not taught.

NEGOTIATION, CONFLICT, COMPETITION:

If everyone likes you, you must be doing something wrong. [Phil Simborg]

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong--but that's the way to bet. [Damon Runyon]

Being worse is no excuse for losing. [Phil Simborg]

Negotiations begin before we think they begin and end after we think they end. [Herb Cohen]

There are many victories that are worse than a defeat. [Geoge Elliott]

If you can't beat 'em, don't play 'em. [Phil Simborg]

Only a mediocre person is always at his best. [W. Somerset Maugham]

The first man gets the oyster, the second man gets the shell. [Andrew Carnegie]

We have met the enemy and he is us.

How come nobody wants to argue with me? Is it because I'm always so right? [Jim Bounton]

The two most common reasons for losing are: not knowing you're competing in the first place, and not knowing with whom you really are competing. [Phil Simborg]

How can there ever possibly be a conflict between my private interests and the public good? [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Forgive me for allowing myself to be hurt by you so easily. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Tell me again how much you agree with me. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

MAN THE BATTLE STATIONS! Someone's coming who wants to reason with us. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

If you keep groaning, please do it to a rythmn I can dance to. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it. [Upton Sinclair]

It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult. [Seneca]

When the cat and the mouse agree, the grocer is ruined. [Persian proverb]

Mother is too clever to understand anything she does not like.

If you are going to bluff, make it a big one. [Amarillo Slim]

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. [Woody Allen]

If you want to make someone hate you, explain to them, logically and politely, why they are wrong. [Phil Simborg]

The greatest cunning is to have none at all. [Carl Sandburg]

The squeaky wheel gets the grease but the quacking duck gets shot.

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced.

One good act of vengeance deserves another.

You can't win if he has nothing to lose. [Phil Simborg]

Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.

Forty for you, sixty for me/And equal partners we will be.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. [Steve Bartkowski]

SUCCESS/FAILURE:

If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving.

He who has never failed somewhere, that man can not be great. [Herman Melville]

The secret of success is sincerity; once you can fake that, you've got it made.

The shortest and best way to make your fortune is to let people see clearly that it is in their interest to promote yours.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you want your team to win the high jump, find one person who can jump seven feet; not seven people who can jump one foot.

The beginning of success is to be different; the beginning of failure is to be the same.

Those who dare to fail miserably have a chance to achieve greatly. [Robert F. Kennedy]

I can not give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure: try to please everybody.

If you want to do well, sell people what they need; if you want to get rich, sell people what they want. [Robert Ringer]

Success is just another game, and only a fool takes any game too seriously. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]

I don't like money but it quiets my nerves. [Joe Lewis]

If you fail to plan, you're planning to fail.

He tried for a corner on the market and now he has a market on the corner.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

There are many ways to measure success but only one you can spend. [Phil Simborg]

The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation. [Anthony Robbins]

There are few sorrows in which a good income is of no avail. [Logan Pearsall Smith]

ATTITUDE:

Try? There is no "try." There is only "do." [Yodi the Jedi]

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

Sarcasm is irritating and unsettling and should be used frequently. [Phil Simborg]

"Good" is the enemy of "better."

Fall down seven times, stand up eight. {Japanese proverb]

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I would like to start from scratch. Where is scratch? [Elias Canetti]

Admiration is the purest form of jealousy. [Dan Simborg]

Don't be too hard on yourself--people do far worse things--haven't you ever watched daytime T.V.?

The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel. [Horace Walpole]

Life is too short to be little. [Disraeli]

Why is it that so many of the important things are also the most boring? [Ashleigh Brilliant]

A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. [Nietzsche]

This life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed with a desire to change his bed.

Sometimes you need to just take the bridle off, throw the skillet away, and let the panther scream. [Gladiola Montana]

It's a small world unless you are a midget, in which case it is slightly bigger.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

I wasn't waving; I was drowning. [Stevie Smith]

When turkeys mate they think of swans. [Johnny Carson]

If you give a man a 100 year lease on a desert and he'll turn it into a garden. If you give a man a 1 year lease on a garden and he'll turn it into a desert.

Know the difference between a masochist and a sadist? A masochist says, "Please, please hurt me," and a sadist says, "No."

The fox condemns the trap, not himself.

Some object to the fan dancer, others to the fan.

Today, I will rely on the language of love and understanding. If that doesn't work, I'll go back to fear and intimidation. [Shanti Goldstein]

You can make your own omelet: either scramble your brains with drugs and alcohol, or just keep your sunny side up. [Phil Simborg]

Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself.

Worry is often a substitute for action.

People are more influenced by how much I care than by how much I know.

Humor is the unmasking of the hypocritical. [Mike Vance]

We are what we pretend to be. [Kurt Vonnegurt]

CHARACTER:

Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries. [James A. Mitchner]

There are bad people who would be less dangerous if they were quite devoid of goodness. [La Rochefoucauld]

We fall in love with a personality but we must live with a character.

If you see two fellows together and one of them looks bored, he's the other.

In any group of eagles, you will find some turkeys.

Tell me what you brag about and I'll tell you what you lack. [Spanish proverb]

Never trust a man who speaks well of everybody. [Churton Collins]

ADVICE:

If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it.

Never repress anything but your pants. [Phil Simborg]

You are the creator of your life...why not create it heroically? [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]

Silent company is often more comforting than words of advice.

If you want to catch trout, don't fish in a herring barrel. [Ann Landers]

"How are you doing?" is a bad question to ask in a hospital. [Dan Simborg]

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If it's on fire, don't lay down on it. [Rita Rudner]

Never sweat petty things; never pet sweaty things.

Never smell the inside of bowling shoes—especially someone else's.

If the shoe fits, find the other one.

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. [Aesop]

The pen is mightier than the sword. Yeah, right.

Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

The easiest way to be the best is to be the only one of your kind. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Do what you know is right (but try not to get caught). [Ashleigh Brilliant]

One ought, every day at least, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words." [Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]

The better the opportunity appears to be, the more likely it is you don't know all the facts. [Phil Simborg]

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. [Bix Bender]

To participate in our lives does not mean we have to go to New Jersey. [Lee Ward Shore]

Always take the road less traveled, unless it's through Gary, Indiana. [Phil Simborg]

If you want to make someone laugh, tell him your troubles, Maria. [Spanish proverb]

Skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it's been. [Wayne Gretzky]

You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.

Too clever is stupid. [German proverb]

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

Only a fool tests the water with both feet.

Do not be like the parakeet, that says what he knows but doesn't know what he says. [Spanish proverb]

Don't look for heroes--be one! [Anthony Robbins]

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. [Bix Bender]

If you want people to remember you, tell them something really interesting about them. [Phil Simborg]

First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.

Don't wait for a crisis to discover what is important in your life.

Never put a razor up your nose--even as a joke.

If you don't laugh at yourself once in a while, others will. [Phil Simborg]

If you want to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map. [Jack Carter]

You miss 100 per cent of the shots you never take. [Wayne Gretzky]

It is possible to leave Vegas with a small fortune...if you go there with a large one.

If you stop to consider all the options before you act, you will always know what to do next time. [Phil Simborg]

Learn what the magician knows and it's not magic anymore. [Richard Bach]

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. [Philip Gibbs]

Never defend the oppressed unless you are prepared to take on the oppressor. [Ogden Nash]

If everyone agrees with me I reconsider. [Phil Simborg]

Save a dollar a day and some day you'll be sorry it wasn't two dollars. [Phil Simborg]

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy. [F. Scott Fitzgerald]

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are. [Sommerset Maugham]

Pack your own parachute.

If you have a bunch of clowns, you're going to have a circus.

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. [George Burns]

If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe. [Abe Lincoln]

Don't give a woman advice. One should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

Get a good education, then get over it. [Dr. Barry Asmus]

HONESTY/ETHICS:

One should always play fair when one has the winning cards. [Oscar Wilde]

The older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy. [Red Smith]

Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. [Henry Kissinger]

I love to play with kids--they're fun to beat and easy to cheat. [Fran Lebowitz]

The cruelest lies are often told in silence. [Robert Lewis Stevenson]

When money talks the truth is silent.

Trust is the single most important factor in professional and personal relationships.

The louder he talked of his honour the faster we counted our spoons. [Emerson]

Everyone that doeth evil hateth the light. [John 3:20]

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. [Anne Morrow Lindbergh]

No one ever became extremely wicked suddenly. [Juvenal]

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Eats first, morals after.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake? [Woody Allen]

Deceit always rides a boomerang. [Phil Simborg]

Frank Harris told the truth only when his invention flagged. [Vincent Brome]

If I repent anything it is very likely to be my good behavior. [Thoreau]

Pay no attention to the truth. [Jules Renard]

One may smile and smile and be a villain. [Shakespeare]

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" until you find a rock. [Wynn Catlin]

Porcupines prick.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking. [H.L. Mencken]

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes. [Mark Twain]

If you tell the truth once, they'll never believe you again no matter how much you lie.

KNOWLEDGE/WISDOM:

Learn, my son, with how little wisdom the world is ruled. [Julius III]

We do not know one millionth of one percent about anything. [Thomas Edison]

"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. [George Ade]

It's so simple to be smart...just think of something stupid to say, and say the opposite. [Sam Levinson]

I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. [Thomas Carlyle]

Stupid am as stupid doo.

Dare to be naive. [R. Buckminster Fuller]

The biggest problem with stupid people is they don't know it. [Phil Simborg]

The great artist is the simplifier. [Henri Amiel]

Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way, like problems of cause and effect.

[Alan Watts]

As long as your butthole is still pointed to the ground, you will be learning. [Chicago cab driver]

If 50 Million people say a foolish thing it is still a foolish thing. [Anatole France]

Much of what we call intelligence is nothing more than the ability to recognize patterns. [Roger von Oech]

Knowledge is knowing. Wisdom is knowing and not saying. [Steve Bhaerman]

Wisdom is learning what to ignore. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]

A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

It's amazing how much research has gone into making some of the worst decisions. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible. [Albert Einstein]

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. [Pablo Picasso]

It's not what you know that counts...it's what you think of in time. [Les Aikman]

The beginning of wisdom is the definition of terms. [Socrates]

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument. [William McAdoo]

One and one does not necessarily make 11.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine. [Fran Lebowitz]

You don't know what you don't know.

AGEING/EXPERIENCE:

If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself. [Jimmy Durante]

Time wounds all heels. [Jane Ace]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

You're only as old as the woman you feel. [Grocho Marx]

You cannot step twice into the same river, for other waters are continually flowing on. [Heraclitus]

When you win, you're an old pro; when you lose, you're an old man.

What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. [Woody Allen]

You know you're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along. [Jacob Braude]

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. [Martin Mull]

What is it about American fathers as they grow older that makes them dress like flags from other countries? [Cary Odes]

Sometimes I feel like a 20 year old, but there's never one around. [Milton Berle]

Grow old along with me!/The best is yet to be,/The last of life for which the first was made. [Robert Browning]

Growing old isn't so bad when you consider the alternative. [Maurice Chevalier]

HAPPINESS:

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a poor memory. [Albert Schweitzer]

Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be. [Abe Lincoln]

I felt sorry for myself because I had no hands until I met a man who had no chips.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air. [Jack Benny]

We tire of the pleasures we take but never of those we give.

The grapes are always sweetest on the slopes of a live volcano.

Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable.

One can live well even in a palace. [Marcus Aurelius]

Happiness = Reality – Expectations [Click & Clack] H=R-E

Why do I always feel so much worse whenever I see things more clearly? [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Why should I be sensible if it prevents me from being happy? [Ashleigh Brilliant]

If your life is really full, nothing you will ever lose will make you very unhappy very long. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall in an open sewer and die. [Mel Brooks]

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet. [Lewis Henry]

The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment. [Doug Larson]

God gave us memory that we might have roses in December. [James M. Barrie]

Decide, once and for all, that your happiness or unhappiness is primarily up to you. [Dr. Harold Bloomfield]

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring and close knit family in another city. [George Burns]

Life is full of cactus but we don't have to sit on it.

What a pity this depression had to come along just when times are so bad. [Carl Becker]

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. [Richard Bach]

The tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness. [Dr. M. Scott Peck]

Life is like an onion; you peel it off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dream-world. Henri Nouwen]

EXISTENCE, MEANING OF LIFE:

The purpose of life is a life of purpose. [Robert Byrne]

It is impossible to overestimate the unimportance of just about everything.

There is more to life than increasing its speed. [Mahatma Ghandi]

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glow worm. [Winston Churchill]

The hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. [Smauel Butler]

Reincarnation is making a comeback.

My reality check just bounced.

I doubt therefore I might be.

He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how. [Frederick Nietzsche]

Once the game is over, the king and pawn go back into the same box. [Italian proverb]

There ain't no answer; there ain't gonna be no answer; there never was an answer; and that's the answer. [Gertrude Stein]

Love is the only rational act. [Mitch Albom]

That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet. [Emily Dickenson]

Nothing in life has any meaning except the meaning we give it. [Anthony Robbins]

We're all in this alone. [Lilly Tomlin]

Life is not a brief candle. It is a splendid torch that I want to burn as brightly as possible before handing on to future generations. [George Bernard Shaw]

Sometimes it seems my whole life is a surprise party. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

I'm still waiting for some public reaction to my arrival on earth. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Perhaps the world's only purpose is to give me something to think about. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

To me, it's always easy to choose between the infinite, the ultimate, and chocolate. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Don't wait for the last judgement; it takes place every day. [Albert Camus]

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. [Richard Bach]

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? Then I definitely overpaid for my carpet. [Woody Allen]

The great challenge of life is to decide what's important and to disregard everything else.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just circling the airport. [Grace Hodgson]

GOD, RELIGION

If only God would give me a sign...like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. [Woody Allen]

Religion is comparable to childhood neurosis. [Freud]

There can be no Creator, simply because his grief at the fate of his creation would be inconceivable and unendurable. [Elias Canetti]

Thank God there are only 10 Commandments! [Phil Simborg]

Believe in those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it. [Andre Gide]

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? [Woody Allen]

I wonder that a soothsayer doesn't laugh whenever he sees another soothsayer. [Cicero]

The animals do not make me sick discussing their duty to God. [Walt Whitman]

If you're asking God for a Winnebago, you may as well tell him what color. [ Tammy Faye Bakker]

You don't have to be dowdy to be a Christian. [Tammy Faye Bakker]

I do not believe in God...I believe in cashmere. [Fran Lebowitz]

"A philosopher," said the theologian, "is like a blind man in a darkened room looking for a black cat that isn't there." "That's right," the philosopher replied, "and if he were a theologian, he'd find it."

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad. And that is my religion. [Abraham Lincoln]

The only Zen you will find on the top of a mountain is the Zen you bring with you. [Robert Pirsig]

If I were God, I would be ashamed of myself. [Phil Simborg]

Beware the man whose God is in the sky. [Geroge Bernard Shaw]

In religion, man denies his reason. [Ludwig Fuerbach]

If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. [Thomas Szasz]

I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose. [Clarence Darrow]

By the year 2000 we will, I hope, raise our children to believe in human potential, not God. [Gloria Steinam]

God has always been hard on the poor. [Jean-Paul Marat]

"Faith" means not wanting to know what is true. [Nietzsche]

This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it. [John Adams]

If God made the world, I would not be that God, for the misery of the world would break my heart. [Schopenhauer]

A good life is the only religion. [Thomas Fuller]

When you've worshipped one omnipotent god, you've worshipped them all. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

I'm perfectly willing to compromise, but God want's to have everything his own way. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Every time I try to take a new lease out on life, the landlord raises the rent. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile! [Kurt Vonnegurt]

My country is the world, and my religion is to do good. [Thomas Paine]

If triangles made a god they would give him three sides.

I determine who is a Jew. [Hermann Goering]

If God has spoken, why is not the universe convinced? [Paul Henri Holbach]

Onward Christian soldiers, rip and tear and smite!/Let the gentle Jesus bless your dynamite. [Joe Hill]

SEX:

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy. [Steve Martin]

A woman seeks one man to fill her every need; a man seeks every woman to fill his one need.

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. [Emo Philips]

Sex between a man and a woman can be great, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. [Woody Allen]

I'd go a million miles for one of your smiles…and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.

When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place. [Billy Crystal]

I think sex on TV is fine as long as you don't fall off. [Woody Allen]

Sex is a two-way treat.

LOVE/MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIPS:

If love be good, from whence cometh my woe? [Chaucer]

None but the brave can life with the fair.

Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.

All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. [Phil Simborg]

I miss my husband, but my aim is getting better.

She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.

I married Ms. Right. I just didn't know her first name was "always."

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

Love is the only rational act. [Mitch Albom]

The two dumbest things I ever said were, "I do." [Phil Simborg]

Most of what I've learned about happiness and misery I've learned since I met you. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

There's only one way to find out my innermost thoughts...ask my wife. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

Eighty percent of men cheat in America; the rest cheat overseas. [Jackie Mason]

When the heart is full, the head is empty. [Phil Simborg]

People change and forget to tell each other. [Lillian Hellman]

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. [G.K. Chesterton]

The key to a happy marriage: never have an in-depth conversation with your spouse. [Jackie Simborg]

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]

My wife believes that a romantic setting has a diamond in it.

Love is a many-gendered thing.

I pretend to listen….what more does she want? [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

Marriages don't work when one is happy and the other is miserable. They only work when both are miserable. [Billy Crystal]

What is mine is hers, so let her wash it.

Take my ex-wife, please. [Phil Simborg]

Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Anger is not the problem. My wife is. [Lee Ward Shore]

Please don't torture yourself, honey. That's my job. [Morticia Adams]

The longer it takes me to find Mr. Right, the more he's going to pay for keeping me waiting. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

What does she want from me? A guy can only pretend to listen so much. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

We're getting on each other's nerves too much. I think we need to spend more time together. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

All my friends say I should leave him because he's mean, angry, and abusive. I need to get some new friends. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

He's very sensitive to my moods. I just wish he didn't cringe so much. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]

It is not a question of how a husband and wife can be equal and alike. It is a question of how they can be equal and different. [Pierre Mornell]

Love is not counting the years; it's making the years count.

How many husbands have I had? You mean, apart from my own? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

I'm not embarrassed dating a younger woman, except when I drop her off at school.

A wedding ring should cut off the wearer's circulation. [Gladiola Montana]

Marriage should be a duet; when one sings, the other claps.

My husband wanted a room to himself. In Pittsburgh. [Phyllis Diller]

One should never know too precisely whom one has married. [Friederich Nietzsche]

Our marriage didn't work out. I was a human being and he was a Klingdon. [Carol Liefer]

Women like quiet men because they think they're listening.

We used to kiss each other on the lips, but it's all over now. [Country Western song]

My father didn't talk to my mother for over a year. Of course, he didn't want to interrupt her.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. [Socrates]

I don't understand why people keep saying marriage is doomed. All of mine worked out. [Peter DeVries]

My wife and I were happy for twenty years and then we met. [Rodney Dangerfield]

Shared joy is double joy and shared sorrow is half sorrow. [Swedish Proverb]

Before I met my husband I had never been in love, though I had stepped in it a few times. [Rita Rudner]

I'm the victim of an unbroken home.

My wife said I never listen to her. I think that's what she said. [Drake Sather]

A fool and his money are soon married. [Gladiola Montana]

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

A woman's word is never done.

There is perhaps no surer mark of folly than to attempt to correct natural infirmities of those we love. [Henry Fielding]

Let there be spaces in your togetherness. [Kahil Gibran]

Alimony is always having to say you're sorry. [Phil Simborg]

Women marry men hoping that they can change them, but they don't. Men marry women hoping they will never change, but they do.

If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it. [Earnest Hemingway]

The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home.

A man can be a fool and not know it--but not if he is married. [H.L. Mencken]

It's not love's going hurts my days/But that it went in little ways. [Edna St. Vincent Milay]

Variety is the spice of divorce. [Phil Simborg]

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. [Oscar Wilde]

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? [Rita Rudner]

I wash and wear the pants in my family. [Phil Simborg]

Instead of getting married again, find a woman you don't like and give her a house. [Pat Paulsen]

Love goes without saying. [Phil Simborg]

When the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lying anymore.

When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. [Richard Lewis]

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. [Robert Frost]

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

Often the difference between a successful marriage and a mediocre one consists of leaving about three or four things a day unsaid.

Our marriage was tense and now it's past tense.

My mother was a very tough woman. She buried two husbands, and one of them was only napping. [Rita Rudner]

Even the girl of your dreams can become the ex-wife of your nightmares. [Phil Simborg]

A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing.

Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection. [Phil Simborg]

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. [Richard Prior]

A girl should marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure. [Phil Simborg]

My husband says I treat him like a god...every meal is a burnt offering. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

CHILDREN:

The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent. [Mell Lazarus]

There are only two lasting bequests we can give our children: one is roots, and the other is wings. [Hodding Carter]

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. [Franklin P. Jones]

You only owe your children two things: love and hope. [Phil Simborg]

My children saved me from toxic self-absorption. [Bill Moyers]

You can do anything with children if you play with them.

Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.

Out of the mouths of babes oftentimes comes drool.

The best way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. [Katherine Whitehorn]

School days can be the happiest days of your life, if your children are old enough to go.

Never raise your hand to your children--it leaves your midsection unprotected. [Fred Allen]

You will never regret having spent too much time with your kids. [Richard Moran]

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with the kids.

I can govern the United States or I can govern my daughter, Alice, but I can't do both. [Theodore Roosevelt]

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either. [Dick Cavett]

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't aggravate.

FRIENDSHIP:

Friendship, love, success...you can have each only to the extent you are willing to sacrifice the other two. [Phil Simborg]

Friendship is almost always the union of part of one mind with part of another; people are friends in spots. [George Santayana]

To have a successful relationship, I must make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. [Shanti Goldstein]

A friend in need can probably call someone else. Suggest it.

I don't want everyone to like me. I should think less of myself if some people did. [Henry James]

A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move bodies.

Silent company is often more healing than words of advice.

The reward of freindship is itself. The man who hopes for anything else does not understand what true friendship is. [Saint Ailred of Rievaulx]

GENERAL:

Superstition brings bad luck.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.

My kid beat up your honor student. [Bumper sticker]

I have a different name for golf. It's called, "connect the traps."

My favorite animal is prime rib. [Fran Lebowitz]

The only gift is a portion of thyself. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

Who do you have to have sex with to get a drink around here? [Albert Einstein]

The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

It is better to have old, second hand diamonds than none at all. [Mark Twain]

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the man

who collects the rent.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

The only thing you can be sure of in New York is death in taxis. [Phil Simborg]

Veujade--the feeling that this has never happened before.

If they ever put a surgeon general's warning on a beer can it would read: "Warning, she's no damn good."

Behavioral psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats. [Dr. Doublas Busch]

At the feast of egos, everyone leaves hungry.

Aaeeeeyaayaaayaaaayaa. [Johnny Weismuller]

Parking is such street sorrow.

Dr. Livingstone I Presume (Full name of Dr. Presume)

There's a reason they call them self-help books--I could make millions writing one! [Rich Hall]

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? [Stanislaw J. Lec]

What do you call a writer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

Gluttony is not a secret vice.

I went to Jenny Craig. So far I've lost seventy dollars.

I think Thanksgiving, therefore I yam. [Phil Simborg]

I think Christmas, therefore I ham. [Phil Simborg]

They call it a family tree because if you look hard, you'll always find a sap in it.

Your own house is at stake when your neighbor's house is on fire. [Horace]

He's my favorite kind of musician. He knows how to play the ukulele but he don't. [Wil Rogers]

It's not easy to be nice to a paranoid schizophrenic even if he is occupying my body. [Judy Tunuta]

Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen would get hit in the mouth by line drives.

I never metaphysics I didn't like. [Steve Bhaerman]

Evil dwells in moist places. [Sister Mary Olivia]

I want to die peacefully and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car.

I was walking by a construction site and some workman called me a paranoid little wierdo...in Morse code. [Emo Phillips]

With enough "ifs" we could put Paris into a bottle.

The best throw of the dice is to throw them away. [Austin O'Malley]

This is the way God would do it if he only had the money.

The best things in life are behind bullet-proof glass. [Rita Rudner]

Many people did not care for Pat Buchannon's speach...it probably sounded better in the original German. [Molly Ivins]

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. [Bill Watterson]

The biggest problem in Nashville is trying to find clean words that rhyme with "truck."

Are there any absolutes in life? Absolutely not! [Steve Bhaerman]

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? [Dick Cavett]

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's about $7 in dog money.

Two Jews, three opinions.

IS THIS WHAT THEY REALLY MEANT TO SAY?

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. [Gerald Ford]

I've been familiar with many of the people in this room.

Don't cut off your nose yourself. [Casey Stengle]

The police are here to preserve disorder. [Richard J. Daley]

I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-semitism, anti-racism. [George Bush]

They gave me a standing observation. [Bill Peterson, Houston Oiler Coach]

Special offer: buy one for twice the price and get the other one free. [Ashleigh Brilliant]

You're a parasite for sore eyes.

How can I know what I think until I hear what I say?

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility and there are so few of us left.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks. [Emo Phillips]

When it comes to ruining a painting, he's an artist. [Samuel Goldwyn]

We've passed a lot of water since then. [Samuel Goldwyn]

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. [Samuel Goldwyn]

It rolls off my back like a duck. [Samuel Goldwyn]

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. [Dan Quayle]

Some quiet guys are inwardly outgoing. [Ralph Kiner, Mets broadcaster]

Due to the shape of the north American elk's esophagus, even if it could speak, it could not pronounce the word, "lasagna."

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. [Jack Handy]

I read part of it all the way through. [Samuel Goldwyn]

Boy, those French have a different word for everything. [Steve Martin]

It's more than magnificent. It's mediocre! [Samuel Goldwyn]

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends. [Tom Waits]

I don't want any yes men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. [Samuel Goldwyn]

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. [Jack Handy]

Do television evangelists do more than lay people?

They laughed at Joan of Arc but she built it anyway. [Gracie Allen]

Wagner's music is better than it sounds. [Mark Twain]

You need to know what side of the fence you bread is buttered on.

This is the worse disaster in California since I was elected. [Governor Pat Brown]

It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the future, or past to the back. [Dan Quayle]

This fire extinguisher should be inspected 10 days before every fire.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. [Jack Handy]

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I asked myself, "Where the hell is my roof?"

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. [Emo Phillips]

Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself to make a point. Sometimes. [Phil Simborg]

A good way to please someone is to do something they don't like...then stop.

Family Planning--please use rear entrance. [sign on a health care facility]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. [Jack Handy]

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

Either this wallpaper goes or I do. [Oscar Wilde's last words]

Who's Virginia? [Rose Kennedy's response when asked why her daughter-in-law Joan lived in Boston while her son Ted stayed in Virginia.]

The child molester skipped breakfast but said he'd pick up a little something on the way to work. [George Carlin]

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I had ever come across. [George Carlin]

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. [George Carlin]

What year did Jesus think it wasy? . [George Carlin]

George Washington's brother was the Uncle of our Country. [George Carlin]

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. [George Carlin]

They couldn't find the artist so they hung the picture.

How high can a man stoop? [Noel Coward, when Eddie Fisher left Debbie Reynolds for Liz Taylor]

I hate quotations. [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name. [Henry Kissinger]

We made too many wrong mistakes. [Yogi Berra]

Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical. [Yogi Berra]

We are faced with insurmountable opportunities

If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop them. [Yogi Berra]

When you arrive at a fork in the road, take it. [Yogi Berra]

Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded. [Yogi Berra]

This is like dejaveu all over again. [Yogi Berra]

The similarities between me and my father are different. [Dale Berra]

I used to be Snow White but I drifted. [Mae West]

Ouch! That felt good.

I can not tell you how grateful I am. I am filled with humidity.

One and one does not necessarily make 11.

I want to hear it so quiet we could hear a mouse dropping.

I'm for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.

I love the woman's movement...especially when I'm walking behind it.

Learn to shoot yourself. [NRA flyer]

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Isn't there another part of the matzo you can eat? [Marily Monroe after being served Matzo Ball soup 3 nites in a row.]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

They couldn't hit an elephant from this dist-- [Last words of U.S. General John Sedgwick, 1812-1864]

The most fattening thing you can put on an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

Help! My son, the doctor is drowning! [Jewish mother]

We're all in this alone. [Lilly Tomlin]

Thesaurus: Ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary

Change is inevitable... except from a vending machine.

I was really sick; I took a turn for the nurse.

May the wind at your back never be your own.

One more drink and I'll be under the host. [Dorothy Parker]

I'm no different from anybody else with two arms, two legs, and forty-two-hundred hits. [Pete Rose]

Living hell is the best revenge. [Phil Simborg]

I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate.

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

Vini, Vidi, Visa: we came, we saw, we shopped.

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then to get my own apartment.

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. [Richard Lewis]

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. [Poncho Villa's last words]

Call me apathetic if you want, I don't care.

You have just captured my heart and about three other organs.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

It is better to copulate than never.

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. [David Letterman]

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

What's another word for "thesaurus"? [Steven Wright]

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Oy to the world. [Jewish Christmas Carol]

Are you a man or a mouse? Squeak up!

I feel like a million tonight, but one at a time. [Mae West]

What if there were no hypotheticals?

My doctor says I've got a cute vagina.

My wife can't have children. She's inconceivable.

What I love about being Jewish is arguing with people I agree with. [Phil Simborg]

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is someone like Norman Einstein. [Joe Theisman]

You are where you eat. [Phil Simborg]

I am a unique individual. Just like everyone else. [Shanti Goldstein]

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I'm going to speak my mind because I have nothing to lose. [S.I. Hayakawa]

Visualize whirrled peas.

The Pope is inflammable.

Me fail English? That's unpossible! [Ralph Wiggum]

No man is in Ireland.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't.

Everybody I ever meet from Minnesota had blond hair and blue ears. [Lou Hotlz]

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

Tools are made to be broken.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I let him sleep.

I would like to have the heart of a small child. I would keep it in a jar on my desk. [Shanti Goldstein]

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass? [Shanti Goldstein]

Of all the nasty, low down, foul, dirty schemes I've ever heard, I like yours the best.

Even when my mother was 88 she never used glasses--she drank right out of the bottle. [Henny Youngman]

I've had my arm broken in two places. I'm going to stay away from those two places. [Henny Youngman]

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got in my nose.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

INSULTS:

I think it's really cute that you're a feminist.

I do not wish to speak ill of a person behind his back, but I believe he's an attorney. [Samuel Johnson]

It's not nice to make fun of fat people--but what the hell, they can't catch you.

Midgets are the last to know when it's raining. [Larry Tucker]

You certainly take a long time making your pointless.

I only have two words for her: plastic surgery.

She had Van Gogh's ear for music.

If someone asks me for spare change, I tell them it's at home in my spare wallet. [Nick Arnette]

Las Vegas...it's a Mexican word....it means, "Move."

I see a lot of familiar facelifts around this room.

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

What part of http/kissmya**.com dont you understand ?

You might have been bred in Texas but here you're just another crumb.

Any time you pass by my door I'd sure appreciate it.

I am sitting in the smallest room in the house. I have your letter in front of me. Soon it will be behind me.

Your name keeps coming up (with a lot of other things).

Spending time with Phil Simborg always makes me feel so much better about myself.

It is a great honor to address such a distinguished group all of whom are smarter than I. All of whom put together, that is.

Thank you for your most objective presentation of your own point of view.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Milwaukee. Please set your watches back 50 years.

My wife said we don't communicate well. I told her to shut up.

I want you to know you are very close to a fool.

You and I will have to go hunting together sometime.

Have you been working with glue today?

I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way home. [Henny Youngman]

He would argue with a signpost.

Could I drop you off somewhere--maybe the roof? [Henny Youngman]

I've had a wonderful time but this isn't it.

What's on your mind, if you don't mind the overstatement.

If you've come for a battle of wits, don't come half-prepared.

After finding no qualified candidates for principal, we are pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. James Coldwell.

A fool and his money are soon....hey, where's my wallet?

You and the CEO have something in common. You've both gone as far as you can in this company.

When your I.Q. hits 50, sell.

Will Rogers would hate this guy.

He could walk into an empty room and blend right in.

Next time you pass by my door, I'd certainly appreciate it.

If you see two people talking and one of them looks bored, he's the other.

His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

His oars don't reach the water.

He's smarter than he looks.

He's got too much yardage between the goalposts.

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

A few beers short of a six pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

All foam, no beer

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain, it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Too much yardage between the goal posts

BUMPER STICKERS

Visualize whirled peas.

Forget about world peace, visualize your turn signal.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I love animals--they taste great.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Superstition brings bad luck.

The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Parking is such street sorrow.

Do television evangelists do more than lay people?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

Learn to shoot yourself. [NRA flyer]

I love the woman's movement...especially when I'm walking behind it.

May the wind at your back never be your own.

Vevi, Vidi, Visa: we came, we saw, we shopped.

The days of the digital watch are numbered.

Call me apathetic if you want, I don't care.

The Pope is inflammable.

No man is in Ireland.

Jesus saves; Moses invests.

Jesus loves you, but I think you're an asshole.

Thank you for not being perky