My favorite quotes on love, marriage, sex and relationships:

• I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy. [Steve Martin]
   
• A woman seeks one man to fill her every need; a man seeks every woman to fill his one need.
   
• My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. [Emo Philips]
   
• Sex between a man and a woman can be great, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. [Woody Allen]
   
• I'd go a million miles for one of your smiles…and even further for that thing you do with your tongue.
   
• When it comes to sex, women need a reason; men need a place. [Billy Crystal]
   
• I think sex on TV is fine as long as you don't fall off. [Woody Allen]
   
• Sex is a two-way treat.
   
• If love be good, from whence cometh my woe? [Chaucer]
   
• Honesty has ruined more marriages than infidelity.
   
• All I want is someone to hold me. And pay me for it. [Phil Simborg]
   
• I miss my husband, but my aim is getting better.
   
• She cried and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
   
• The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
   
• The two dumbest things I ever said were, "I do." [Phil Simborg]
   
• Eighty percent of men cheat in America; the rest cheat overseas. [Jackie Mason]
   
• When the heart is full, the head is empty. [Phil Simborg]
   
• Marriages don't work when one is happy and the other is miserable. They only work when both are miserable. [Billy Crystal]
   
• Take my ex-wife, please. [Phil Simborg]
   
• Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
   
• Please don't torture yourself, honey. That's my job. [Morticia Adams]
   
• The longer it takes me to find Mr. Right, the more he's going to pay for keeping me waiting. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
   
• He's very sensitive to my moods. I just wish he didn't cringe so much. [Matt Groening—Life in Hell]
   
• Love is not counting the years; it's making the years count.
   
• How many husbands have I had? You mean, apart from my own? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
   
• I'm not embarrassed dating a younger woman, except when I drop her off at school.
   
• A wedding ring should cut off the wearer's circulation. [Gladiola Montana]
   
• Women like quiet men because they think they're listening.
   
• I don't understand why people keep saying marriage is doomed. All of mine worked out. [Peter DeVries]
   
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years and then we met. [Rodney Dangerfield]
   
• Before I met my husband I had never been in love, though I had stepped in it a few times. [Rita Rudner]
   
• A fool and his money are soon married. [Gladiola Montana]
   
• A woman's word is never done.
   
• Alimony is always having to say you're sorry. [Phil Simborg]
   
• Women marry men hoping that they can change them, but they don't. Men marry women hoping they will never change, but they do.
   
• If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it. [Earnest Hemingway]
   
• The greatest cause of infidelity is a stalemate at home.
   
• A man can be a fool and not know it--but not if he is married. [H.L. Mencken]
   
• Variety is the spice of divorce. [Phil Simborg]
   
• Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? [Rita Rudner]
   
• Love goes without saying. [Phil Simborg]
   
• When the trust goes out of a relationship, it's no fun lying anymore.
   
• When you're in love, it's the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life. [Richard Lewis]
   
• Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. [Robert Frost]
   
• I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire? [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
   
• Our marriage was tense and now it's past tense.
   
• A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks you for nothing.
   
• Being divorced means knowing how to maintain a rejection. [Phil Simborg]
   
• Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers. [Richard Prior]
   
• A girl should marry for love and keep on marrying until she finds it. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]
   
• There's nothing wrong with promiscuity that a fatal disease wouldn't cure. [Phil Simborg]

PHILIP J. SIMBORG
Writer, Broker, Truth Teller

SO SHE SAYS
By Phil Simborg

There are certain things my (Ex)wife says (said) that immediately raise my "beware" antennae and let me know it's time to pay real close attention. Maybe some of these ring a bell?

• "We need to talk."
   
• "Have I got a surprise for you!"
   
• "Do you know what day this is?"
   
• "You wouldn't believe how much money I saved off the retail price on this."
   
• "Now you have plenty of room in your closet."
   
• "Have you ever had one of those impulses to do something really crazy?"
   
• "Did you notice that cheap looking woman in the mini skirt and see-through blouse?
   
• "When was the last time I asked you to...:"
   
• "I just want to do some window shopping."
   
• "I'm thinking about taking up golf so we can spend some more time together."
   
• "I want you to take this fidelity quiz from Redbook and answer honestly."
   
• "Do you have any really important meetings between the 15th and the 28th?"
   
• "Do you know what Mary's husband does for her every night?"
   
• "You know I always have your best interests at heart."
   
• "Do you think she looks younger than me?"
   
• "Guess where we're going tomorrow."
   
• "Do you know what would be really fun?"
   
• "Guess what I found in your briefcase while I was looking for a pencil."
   
• "Wake up. I have something to tell you."
   
• "Don't you think we should stop and ask for directions?"
   
• "Your mother and I have decided..."
   
• "I just want you to do one thing before you leave."
   
• "I'm glad to see your back is good enough to play golf, because..."
   
• "Do your remember that remark you made at dinner last August?"
   
• "I've made an appointment for us to meet with ...."
   
• "You won't believe what I'm about to tell you!"
   
• "Do I look heavy in these pants?"
   
• "I've got something to say and I don't want you to interrupt until I'm finished."
   
• "Do you know what this room needs?"
   
• "There's something I've been meaning to tell you."
   
• "Just because I bought these videos doesn't mean I actually want to go to Spain on that incredible package tour that leaves March 5th."
   
• "Twelve years ago you said..."
   
• "There's been a slight change of plans. " ("Instead of the Bulls game we're going to the ballet.")
   
• "Do you think Christy Brinkley is really prettier than I am?"
   
• "Taste this and tell me if you think it's spoiled."
   
• "Don't you think Bill's girlfriend is much too young for a man his age?"
   
• "I'm going to ask you something and I want you to answer quickly and honestly without thinking."
   
• "I can't talk now...the delivery men are here."
   
• "Don't you have something to tell me?"
   
• "Since you're obviously not very busy..."
   
• "Do you really want to know what I think?"
   
• "Do you think Bob's wife is good looking?"
   
• "Promise not to laugh and I'll tell you."
   
• "On your way home, would you mind stopping off in Tasmania and picking up a green camel?"